A transformative journey into spiritual care on the Irish coast

By Chinch Gryniewicz

Chinch Gryniewicz

One could be forgiven for attending this training/seminar/retreat purely for the location in which it was held--the retreat centre of Dzogchen Beara in West Cork in Ireland is a place of astounding and wild beauty, nestling in sea cliffs above the ocean with seemingly limitless views.

Dzogchen Beara Spiritual Care Center
The Spiritual Care Center at Dzogchen Beara in Ireland is perched on cliffs overlooking the Atlantic Ocean

I've been going back there now repeatedly for three years, attracted by the place itself, the people of the resident community (who, through hard work and the deep commitment to benefit others, create an all-pervading atmosphere of peace and spiritual practice), the joy of meeting fellow travellers on the road to finding meaning in life, and the profoundly transformative retreats and seminars held there.

Finding inspiration to face emotional and spiritual challenges

In June 2002, my partner Jacqui died, after living with motor neurone disease (ALS) for almost exactly 5 years. Very early on in her illness, we started looking for help and inspiration not just with the huge problems her increasing physical disability brought, but how to work with the immense emotional and spiritual challenges she (and me and her daughter and our friends) were facing, actively preparing for her death.

There were many practical issues, such as Jacqui's physical paralysis, my increasing burnout in caring for her at home, and the difficulty of communication as she gradually lost her voice to become completely mute--but the big question was how to use the very limited time left to us as an opportunity for inner growth rather than increasing despair, how to find meaning in letting go completely.

Amazingly, Christine Longaker's week-long training at Dzogchen Beara addressed all of these issues and many more. Jacqui, her daughter and I had the wonderfully good fortune of attending one of the Wisdom and Compassion in Care for the Dying weeks together in October 2000, and I have recently returned from another one on my own in November 2002.

Christine Longaker and course participant

Christine Longaker (right) with a course particpant. Christine is Education Director of the Spiritual Care Program and author of Facing Death and Finding Hope

The universality of death and impermanence

These trainings are aimed at professionals working with the dying, but what we were reminded of repeatedly, was the fact that we are all dying. It is the one fact, the one certainty in life that we all share, most of us just don't know how or when. It became clear that in order to support somebody who is dying now, it makes tremendous sense, in fact it is essential, to have prepared for our own death as much as possible.

Scary business? Well, yes and no. The first few days of the training were dedicated to looking at ourselves, our relationship to death, our fears and our hopes, and how to get ready for our own death. I believe to a large extent it was due to Christine Longaker and her co-presenters' deep presence and ability to create a truly safe, compassionate and nurturing environment that the participants were willing to undertake such a journey.

Confronting fears through reflection and exercises

I remember one guided visualisation in particular which, after a journey through illness and deterioration, took us right up and into the actual moment of our own death. I really cannot put into words what an extraordinary experience that was, how it felt. After talking about it in pairs, we shared what we were prepared to share of this deeply personal and intimate experience in the whole group. It became very clear that everyone had been deeply touched and affected by it, but I really don't think anybody regretted the experience.

I also remember a role-play exercise (and I have always really detested and avoided role-play as being awkward and artificial) which allowed me to explore to a little extent the reality of a totally paralysed, speechless person. It only lasted ten minutes or so, but it moved (and upset) me profoundly: it was the first time I had had some kind of experiential appreciation of what the person I cared for, Jacqui, my partner, was experiencing every day, every minute of her life. It is really to the credit of everyone there, the presenters as well as the participants, that we increasingly felt the courage (and the will) to actually "go there", to explore these places and talk about it afterwards.

Supportive environment with fellow participants

After a few days into the training, when issues were open for discussion in the whole group, I was often struck by how many participants would start with words such as "I have never been able to talk about this with anyone until now," or "I have carried this with me for so long" "Yes, a lot of stuff came up," we all opened, released, laughed or cried or both, some said a lot, others said less; but one thing I am quite certain of is that everyone there felt safe and supported in whichever way they chose to deal with these issues.

An important element of spiritual care courses is interaction between participants, which can be surprising and instructive

And, throughout all of this and most importantly, it became clear beyond a doubt, how preparing for our own deaths is not some kind of morbid preoccupation and certainly not depressing, but how our lives now can be transformed by it. It is really not a paradox that when we face our death honestly and as squarely as we can, that our lives will be transformed, become richer and more meaningful. Death is a good advisor when it comes to deciding how to live now. It has all been said before, but to find an environment and a practical training opportunity where these things can be explored, is a true blessing.

The second part of the training deals more with how we can actually support others in their preparation for death. It is impossible to mention the all-encompassing range of issues that were addressed here, from the most practical modalities of day-to-day healthcare to the deepest spiritual issues (also, of course, including people who do not follow any particular faith or spiritual path).

The relevance of ancient wisdom

Christine Longaker's seminars are squarely based on Tibetan Buddhist practice and I was amazed at how many traditional, age-old practices are of extreme relevance today and can really, truly help (I can vouch for that from the experience of how they, in a very tangible way, helped Jacqui and myself and the people around us).

Personally, I particularly benefited from learning methods for transforming suffering and for completing unfinished business--even unfinished business where the other person may have already died! (Yes, it is possible!) And all of this was offered in a spirit, not of "We are going to turn you all into Buddhists here", but quite the opposite: "Whatever path you are on, whatever your beliefs, here are some methods and practices to prepare for death and care for dying people; see what works and might be meaningful for you. Only take on board what you can really integrate into your own practice."

And it was truly wonderful meeting all the other participants--mainly doctors, nurses, hospice workers, chaplains, reverends, carers--there was such a wealth of experience, such a richness of feeling, so many stories in every one of them, it was very inspiring to be with them all. We formed some real friendships at Dzogchen Beara, both with people we met on the seminars as well as with many people of the resident community.

Jacqui and Chinch with program educator Judy Arpana (left) at the Living with Illness retreat at Dzogchen Beara in 2001

Christine herself has become a real friend and I learned that some people really live what they preach. From our first time there together, Jacqui and I continued to receive practical, emotional and spiritual support from the many we met there. The support continues even now.

Transforming the way we look at life and death

So, what did it really all do for Jacqui and me? It helped Jacqui to be actively involved in every phase of her dying process. It helped her, while gradually becoming more and more dependant and seemingly helpless, to find an amazing inner strength and equanimity that allowed her to have a smile for everyone and even continue to inspire others. It helped her to really die a "good death."

It helped me to care for Jacqui at home and to deal with my increasing exhaustion and burnout. It helped me to ask for help. It helped me to prepare for my loss and grief. It helped me to start facing my own mortality. It inspired me to become more involved with caring for the dying and to set up a local meditation group, working with impermanence, letting go and dying. It inspired me to go back to Dzogchen Beara five times now--and I'll be back for more, there is so much more to learn.

As I said already, it is quite impossible to put into words much of what happens in these seminars--they are deeply experiential and truly have the power to transform not just the way we look at death, but above all, how we look at life. I cannot think of anyone who would not really benefit from this training!