Resolving unfinished business and saying good-bye

Ritual for resolving unfinished business

Bonfire concluding unfinished business exercise

At a training course for caregivers in Holland in February 2001, Christine Longaker led a three-day exercise in resolving unfinished business. Many participants remarked that communication with their visualized partner became more realistic as the week progressed.

On the third day, people were asked to write the unresolved conflict they wanted to finish on small slips of paper. These were then collected and fed into a roaring bonfire while others chanted a moving mantra of purification. More photos...

When a loved ones dies in a sudden or violent way, our own suffering afterward is immense. We feel cut off from any possibility of healing or concluding our relationship. We are challenged to communicate all of our conflicting emotions, frustrations, and unexpressed regrets. Whatever we couldn't express before our loved one died, we can still express after his death: asking for forgiveness for that last fight, expressing our gratitude and our love, saying good-bye and wishing him well.

Some people start a journal or write letters to the deceased. Although helpful, these methods can remain somewhat open-ended, because we may only partially vent our old problems and feelings, and never actually let them go. The method for completing unfinished business described in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is exceptionally effective in helping us express and release our emotional pain, and bring closure to the relationship.

A method for completing unfinished business

Visualize that all the buddhas and enlightened beings are in the sky above and around you, shining down their rays of compassionate light and giving you their support and blessing. In their presence grieve and say what you have to say, what is really in your heart and mind, to your loved one who has died.

Visualize that the person who is dead is looking at you with a greater love and understanding than he or she ever had while alive. Know that the dead person wants you to understand that he or she loves you and forgives you for whatever you may have done, and wants to ask for and receive your forgiveness.

Allow your heart to open and put into words any anger, any feelings of hurt, you may have been harboring, and let go of them completely. With your whole heart and mind, let your forgiveness go out toward the dead person. Tell him or her of your forgiveness; tell him or her of the regrets you feel for all the pain you may have caused.

Now feel with your whole being his or her forgiveness and love streaming toward you. Know in the depths of yourself that you are lovable and deserve to be forgiven, and feel your grief dissolve.

At the end of the practice, ask yourself if you can now truly say farewell and really let go of the person. Imagine the person turning and leaving, and then conclude by doing the phowa, or another practice for helping the dead.

This practice will give you the chance of showing your love once more, doing something to help the person who has died, and completing and healing the relationship in your heart.

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