Answers to common questions about sudden death
Adapted from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
and Facing Death and Finding Hope
Is my loved one in pain?
When a loved ones dies in a sudden or violent way, we
may imagine the person dying in great pain. Even if
someone experienced pain before a violent or sudden end,
all physical pain is finished at death. Many who have
had near-death experiences survived a sudden or accidental
death, and although their body appeared to be in a painful
state, their consciousness, floating free of the body at
death, experienced no physical pain. So instead of worrying,
"Is my loved one suffering?" we can reflect on
the fact that we are uniquely positioned to help the
person who died with our spiritual practice right now.
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Is there any way to help my loved one after they die?
There are many, many ways we can help those who have died, and so help
ourselves to survive their absence. The Tibetan Buddhist vision
of life and death is an all-encompassing one, and it shows us
clearly that there are ways of helping people in every conceivable
situation, since there are no barriers whatever between what we
call "life" and what we call "death." The
radiant power and warmth of the compassionate heart can reach
out to help in all states and all realms. The supreme support for a
person who has just died is the depth of our own spiritual practice,
and the strength of our positive, compassionate intention. The next
most powerful spiritual care we can offer is our concentrated practice
of the Essential
Phowa. We can also dedicate the merit of positive, life-affirming
actions to our loved one who has died. For more, see
practical
ways to help after death.
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When is the best time to do spiritual practice for someone who has died?
According to the Tibetan Buddhist tradition,
the most powerful time to do spiritual practice for
someone who has died is during the forty-nine days
after death, placing special emphasis on the first
twenty-one days. It is during these first three weeks that
the dead have a stronger link with this life, which makes
them more accessible to our help. During this time
especially, we should practice on the same day of the week
and hour of the day the person died, as he will briefly re-experience
the death at these times, and our practice has more potential
to help him. Remember too that is never too late to help
and benefit your loved one, no matter how long ago he or she died.
Read more...
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Will my spiritual practice be effective if the person who died had no spiritual beliefs?
Even if the person who died had no spiritual beliefs, we will
not be offending him when we pray or do spiritual practice for
him. Unless it's mixed with grasping--a desire to hold onto
him--prayer is not experienced by the deceased as an imposition,
but as love. Sometimes the friends or family of a person who died
can't relate to a term such as "prayer." We can encourage
them instead to send the deceased person their love, and with their
best wishes, to let him go.
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Why is my pain so intense?
Bereavement describes the emotional state of being bereft, a
word whose root means "to be shorn" or "torn open."
At no time do we feel more torn open than when we experience what is known
as a high grief death: a sudden or violent death, a suicide,
or the loss of a child. There are no words that adequately describe
the total disruption and pain such a loss may precipitate in one's
life. The extent of pain we experience in grief is connected to our
degree of attachment to the person, and how much he or she was
integral to our sense of well-being. When the person or situation we
have lost is intimately connected to our day-to-day experience of
well-being and feeling loved, then our sadness will be more painful
and prolonged. And it will take time to heal.
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How long will my grief last?
Under normal conditions, mourning a death takes about two
years to complete; after a violent or sudden death, it will
take longer, yet we can recover fully and finish our grief.
As Judy Tatelbaum, author of The Courage to Grieve writes,
"To recover fully from a loss means to finish or completely
let go. Finishing with a dead loved one does not erase the love
or the memories, but it does mean that we have accepted the death,
that the pain and sorrow have lessened, and that we feel free to
reinvest in our lives." Never lose heart, you will
survive; grief can be finished.
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There is so much I wish I could say to my loved one who has died, what can I do?
Whatever we couldn't express before our loved one died, we can
still express after his death: asking for forgiveness for that
last fight, expressing our gratitude and our love one more time,
saying good-bye and wishing him well. Some people verbalize these
final messages when they privately view the body, or at the
graveside, or while looking at a photo of the deceased. Expressing
our forgiveness and love out loud can have a very healing effect.
One way we can do this is through the
method
for resolving unfinished business. If our unfinished business
after a sudden death is especially heavy, we can and should seek
out help from support groups or counselors trained in grief therapy.
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How do I deal with the anger I'm feeling?
Anger and frustration are normal feelings after a death,
as we are forced to accept that we have no control over
what has happened. Especially in the case of sudden death,
we may project our anger and blame onto whomever we believe
caused the death and our painful grief. Our feelings of
frustration and anger are normal; it is getting stuck in
anger which creates problems. If our angry thoughts are
acknowledged and then let go of, we can begin acknowledging
our loss and facing our sadness. If, however, we continually
feed our angry thoughts and feelings over months or years, we
will have bound ourselves to the past and created a wall
around our heart, preventing us from giving and receiving
love in the present. We need to find a responsible way to
release our frustration and anger, if we want to finish
our grief.
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Am I going crazy?
In the experience of mourning we lose some of our normal
sense of control, thus the intensity of grief can
dramatically heighten our fears and vulnerability. We
may fear that opening ourselves to our pain will cause us
to "explode" or go crazy. We may also experience
the eruption of intense physical and cognitive symptoms such
as shortness of breath, dizziness, disruption of normal sleep
patterns, difficulty eating, manic energy, disorientation,
or short-term memory loss. At times, very disturbing violent or
irrational thoughts or images--such as driving one's car over a
cliff--may surface. Although transitory, these kinds of symptoms
can be frightening. Unless such thoughts or ailments become obsessive
or chronic, however, they should be considered normal side-effects
of bereavement.
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How can I best support someone who is grieving after a sudden death?
Helping those who have just gone through the loss of someone
close to them will call for all your patience and sensitivity.
You will need to spend time with them and to let them talk,
to listen silently without judgment as they recall their
most private memories, or go over again and again the details
of the death. Above all, you will need simply to be there with
them as they experience what is probably the fiercest sadness and
pain of their entire lives. Make sure you make yourself available
to them at all times, even when they don't seem to need it. Carol,
a widow, was interviewed for a video series on death one year after
her husband had died. "When you look back on the last year,"
she was asked, "who would you say had helped you the most?"
She said: "The people who kept calling and coming by, even
though I said 'no'."
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What is spiritual care?
The word "spiritual" refers to the domain of human existence
which lies beyond the material--the aspects of life which give
a sense of meaning, connection, integrity and hope. The spiritual
domain includes religion, because some draw their sense of connection
and meaning from a belief in God or a higher, absolute truth, and
religious practices such as prayer, meditation, and purification.
At the same time, those who are not affiliated with a formal religion
(especially those ill, dying or bereaved), may still experience spiritual
needs which are universal: the wish to find a meaning in life, or
meaning
in their suffering; the need to feel a genuine connection
with others; the desire for the healing power of reconciliation; or
learning to give and receive
an authentic, selfless love and compassion.
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