How to be a Help Instead of a Nuisance

By Karen Kissel Wegela
Shambhala Publications 1996
Reviewed by Alexandra Yuille

Karen Kissel Wegela is a psychologist in private practice and director of the M.A. program in Contemplative Psychotherapy at Naropa University in Boulder,Colorado. Contemplative Psychotherapy can be said to have two parents: the wisdom traditions of Buddhism and the clinical traditions of Western psychology.

A contemplative approach to helping teaches that in order to be capable of benefiting others, we need first of all to deal with our own confusion--our own lack of confidence, our lack of clarity, and our fear of pain. To be helpful to others, we need to begin by working with ourselves.

The premise of this book is that the most valuable help we can give to another begins with developing our ability to simply be. Without the ability to be present with another who is in pain, no techniques or approaches will be effective. When we really are present with someone who is in pain, we usually begin to feel pain ourselves.

If we are uneasy with that pain it is most likely that we will mindlessly shift the conversation so that we feel less uneasy. This shift can be very subtle. The first step to becoming able to be present with someone else is by learning to be with ourselves and with all of our emotions, moods, thoughts, and states of mind. The primary method for learning to do this is the sitting practice of mindfulness-awareness meditation practice.

Along with developing mindfulness we can also cultivate what is known in Tibetan Buddhism as maitri. Maitri is a warm and friendly attitude that we bring to ourselves and others. We have a tendency in the West to judge our own experiences. We could even say that we tend to be pretty self-critical. An attitude of maitri means that we could simply notice what we are thinking and feeling and sensing, and not judge it as good or bad.

The ongoing practice of sitting meditation also leads to the development of courage or confidence. We find that we can experience all our emotions; we can tolerate uncertainty and confusion and boredom when they arise. The special meditation practice of Tonglen provides a training ground for gradually extending our compassion so that we can recognize and be touched by the suffering of others and still be able to remain present. Together with mindfulness-awareness meditation it provides the ground--being able to be with others, with our hearts open.

Related links